Since my mother died three years ago, I have learned a tremendous amount about healing and forgiveness.  Her death uprooted most of my world and I didn't know how to re-root myself.  Nothing even looked or felt the same...which in some ways I was thankful for because I was finally awake, and in other ways felt terrified.  I've learned that healing is a long journey like a labyrinth and you sometimes come back in contact with stuff that you have already dealt with from a new angle as you continue on your path.  I've learned that forgiveness is not about condoning what someone has done to you, or even continues to do, but is a choice to let go of holding onto negative energy inside of you.  Forgiveness has been a big piece for me, because I had misunderstood it for so long.  It was really a gift to myself rather than to another person and that felt more compassionate and genuine.  I didn't want to forgive someone who was still hurting me, as it felt powerless and passive.  However, once I made the choice that forgiveness is letting go of energy that continues to harm you internally, it really changed my perspective on others' behavior.  A gift to myself it was, because suddenly the behavior that I was spending energy on disliking dissipated into nothing more than their path and not mine.  I felt more forgiving of their behavior because I felt more real compassion for their right to have their path and eat it too in a sense!  I gave back the energy so that I could empower myself to live in a more loving way for both myself and others, and I haven't regretted it since.  It has been one of the most powerful aspects of my healing process.

I've been thinking about how Americans tend to have the expectation that we should only have good in our lives.  We avoid real thoughts of death, feel contempt when life gets tough, and even refuse to look at the "negative" side of a given situation.  I don't think that it's that useful to just "look on the bright side," because it is still avoiding the trust in reality.  There is learning in challenge and difficulty. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be optimistic and positive, but not in a manner that avoids the discovery learned through pain.  Why do we have this sense of entitlement that we should only receive joy in this world?  How else could we know joy and happiness if we don't have pain?  Even nature knows this through it's seasons.

Every day at some point I feel at least an incling of insecurity.  It takes regular self reassurance and bravery to move forward even when I'm not totally sure of myself.

Ambivalent, fearful, hopeful

I enjoy laying in bed and listening to music for a while before getting up.  Usually I have to fake out my female cat, because once she sees my eyes are open she is all over me to get her breakfast.  She's usually the first thing that I see in the morning.  If it was a warm night, and I was able to sleep with the window open, I enjoy feeling the cool breeze on my face.

After I drag myself out of bed and feed the kitties, I jump in the shower to start my routine all while listening to my chosen music of the morning.  By the time I get out of the shower, my male kitty comes to give me a love bath in thanks for his breakfast.  I often get sidetracked by his cuteness (or his drooling), and spend more time with him than I should.

It's not glamorous, but I thoroughly enjoy my morning routine.  My music, cats, and slow routine of self-care.

Security is a feeling deep down in my gut that no matter what happens, I'll figure out a way to manage.  If anyone knows how to fully do this, please email me!

I've always wanted to take trapeze lessons.  It amazed me as a kid, and recently ran across an ad for lessons.  I seriously contemplated it.  If I had the time and money, I'd probably go for it.

My secret favorite chore is vacuuming.  It's very aesthetically pleasing to see all the dirt and fir compiled into that compartment.  I like the marks on the carpet too...it just feels clean.  Maybe it's the back and forth motion too, but it's sort of soothing.

Absoulutely not!  I'm reassured that as I get older, I also become more comfortable in my own skin.  I'll take that trade off.  I want to enjoy every stage of my life for what it is.  "Youthfulness" is only a cultural concept.  Of course I want to take care of my body, but I don't want to stop it's natural process. 

I might be one of the few people who has always looked forward to getting older.  I look forward to checking into a nice retirement community where I get to enjoy myself, be around others my age and with similar interests, and have activities planned for me.  I imagine it to be like living on a college campus, but for the retired.  Barring that I don't have any major illnesses that get in the way of this, I think it sounds very enjoyable to soak up life that kind of environment.

My biggest struggle is choice and loss.  I have to make a choice that will bring loss as a consequence either way I choose.  These kinds of decisions are the most difficult.  Do I continue to allow someone to be in my life who repeatedly hurts me, takes no responsibility for it, and zaps my inner resources?  Do I choose my life, knowing that I will lose any hope of this relationship being managable for me?  I feel like I have to choose between someone else's pain, or my own. 

I've always thought that it was a sign of maturity, when one starts to choose healthier people in their lives and set boundaries around those who don't bring reciprocity to the relationship.  However, there are a lot of people who believe that it's harsh or mean to estrange yourself from unhealthy people.  I take responsibility for my part in this dance.  I've tried different ways to respond, and spent many hours in therapy working on my issues that are brought up when with this person.  Wouldn't it be narcissistic to believe that just by staying in someone's life who isn't good to you will someohow make a difference in theirs?  You have to put yourself above someone else in order to do that, and then the payoff is you feeling better about yourself and not the other way around.

It also seems selfish to absorb their behavior and keep them from having the experience of personal insight.  It seems co-dependent (even with strict boundaries) to sheild someone from the reality of how they affect others.  That kind of honest (not mean) feedback is necessary for them to re-evaluate their own behavior, strengthen their internal resources, and make choices based on the truth.

That being said...when is ok to do this?  Who is it ok to do this with?  Does it change anything if they have been in your life for many years?  What if they are a relative?

As I sift through all of this dust, I still feel sad.  The thought of causing this person pain makes me physically ill.  Either way, I will lose something I am attached to.   What is the kindest act of love in this situation?  When is it best to love someone from afar, to love yourself more deeply?